As the holidays are upon us, Black women are navigating several different complications in preparing to deal with family this season. One concern that high functioning/high achieving Black women may experience is navigating the internal pressure to people please within their own families. In addition to the pressure to code switch at work or school, there can also be pressure to show up a certain way around the people that they grew up with, or the people that raised them. This can be a byproduct of carrying familial expectations to succeed or represent the family unit in ways that other members of the family could not or were never expected to.
In addition to code switching in public, some of us also deal with strict or demanding parents at home. Even after leaving the house, sometimes it takes a while for it to sink in with them that their daughters are grown adults. Although the shapeshifting we as Black women do to survive in the outside world persists, as we get older and/or leave home, we may find more space to express ourselves in ways that we were not able to growing up. The experience of finding ourselves can be liberating, and it also creates space for there to be a question of how to show up when visiting home for the holidays.
Just like our life trajectory (picking a certain career path, or generally being considered “the successful child”), the way we present ourselves outwardly can be influenced by the expectations of family- especially caregivers. Religious ideologies, political viewpoints, or just plain generational differences can also influence these dynamics.
Some examples of the shifts you may have made on your own, typically outside of the home you grew up in may include:
-Changing your college major to something that suits your interests rather than what your parents expected
-Developing beliefs about social/political topics that differ from “how you were raised”
-Desiring to set boundaries between yourself and your relatives that previously were denied, ignored, or taken for granted
-Getting into a romantic relationship that your parents/relatives/caregivers would not “approve of” or would not have chosen for you
-Various body modifications or forms of outward self expression (e.g. dying or cutting hair, getting tattoos or piercings, changing their style of clothing)
-Gaining or losing weight
-Changing any aspect of your physical being that should be your business and your business alone, but relatives have gotten used to commenting on
Many of us have grown up hearing some variation of “my house my rules” or “while you’re under my roof you will do as I say”.
Therefore, it may have been easier to explore identity and expression outside of the house you grew up in. Many times, high achieving Black women find that there is more freedom to be herself when she has more of her own space. However, deciding what to do with that freedom during the holidays when there will likely be more family time can be hard. There is often a choice between putting yourself back into the box you existed in when you lived at home, or temporarily releasing some of the freedom you have created for yourself- or alternatively dealing with the reactions that family members might have to the autonomous choices you have made.
A decision has to be made in order to determine what the best way to protect your peace and your identity is. This is not an easy decision to make and each option has its own set of outcomes. In these moments, you can consider the long term consequences, the immediate consequences, or anything in between.
The long term consequence could be that choosing not to show up as your full self in these spaces perpetuates the cycle and means that you will continue hiding until you choose differently. There is always a certain amount of stress associated with denying yourself and hiding your identity. However, sometimes it is simply not worth the energy to go back and forth with certain people about your own life or choices.
You are the only person who can determine what the best choice for you is, but get clear about your reasoning.
For example, are you choosing to adjust yourself/your presentation because you do not have the capacity for certain reactions/conversations in this moment, or because you don’t feel that it is worth it to explain yourself to certain people? Alternatively, is there an element of fear – as in you are unsure of how they might respond and are afraid to find out? Is it both, or is there something else contributing to your choice?
Remember to approach these questions without judgment. You are only seeking clarity.
Sometimes the cost of hiding or being silent is heavier than the cost of the conversation that may arise from not doing so, and sometimes the opposite is true.
Here are some things to consider as you weigh your options:
-If you are considering adjusting your presentation/sacrificing some of your freedom of expression over the holidays, ask yourself why.
-If you are preparing to stand up for yourself or debut a new aspect of your identity, ask yourself how.
Keep in mind, your family does not have to know everything about you and your hobbies/interests/what you do in your spare time. You may not feel the need to explain certain things because they simply don’t have to be a part of that aspect of your life. Maybe there are some things you’d like to share with them and other things that do not have to be discussed now or possibly ever.
Here are a few things to consider as you make plans to return home for the holidays:
-Reflect on your boundaries in advance
How much time do you plan to be with relatives?
How much personal space will you need?
If you need to take a break, where will you go?
Would it help to have someone in the family or a friend who is not in the home to call or text while you are there?
Will you excuse yourself from a difficult conversation, shut it down, or confront the topic?
Do you have allies in that space? If so, what is a safe word or signal you can use for someone you trust to intervene/redirect?
-Is there an opportunity for balance or compromise within yourself?
For example: maybe you’ll share that you cut or dyed your hair, but not that you have a new hobby or interest they would not approve of. Perhaps you will share that you are switching careers, but not that you recently got a tattoo. Any combination of all or none of the above is acceptable. Remember, the priority is your peace and authenticity. The goal is to honor your commitment to your own personal freedom in a way that does not harm others.
-Plan if it would be helpful, but try to avoid overthinking
-Alternatively, you do not have to go home at all. “Chosen family” or making a new tradition with yourself is just as valid.
We cannot live up to the expectations of others, and at some point their disappointment or other feelings about how we choose to live our own lives are not ours to hold. Any decision you make to protect your peace, sanity, and identity, or to get by is the right one.
If you need help starting difficult conversations, exploring your choices, or processing the events of the holiday season, therapy is a great place to start.
The Worth, Wisdom and Wellness Center provides Trauma & EMDR therapy, Therapy for Perfectionism and Low Self-esteem, Therapy for Anxiety and Depression, and Faith-Based Therapy to Black Women and Women of Color.