There’s a TON of information on social media these days regarding what attachment theory is, and what to look for to determine your attachment style. Unfortunately, there’s not as much information that discusses the “now what” part of this equation. Which leaves people asking…
“So what am I supposed to do to help change my attachment style to secure attachment?”
In the world of attachment theory- there are different categories of attachment: secure and insecure- further designated as anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
If you are more curious about these attachment styles and how they are formed: check out my previous blog post here, where I do a deep dive on how attachment styles form and the basis for understanding attachment theory.
Here’s a brief synopsis:
The basis of attachment theory says that as a child, whether or not needs are met by a caregiver provides that child information about the world. How that information was interpreted by the child determines what the attachment style becomes. For example, the anxious attachment style developed from inconsistent emotional caregiving caused the child to believe that there is something inherently wrong with them- and further believe that is why they don’t get their needs met.
This forms what can be referred to as an attachment wound. Attachment wounds can be described as the seed that planted the type of insecure attachment. Moving from any of the insecure attachment styles to a secure attachment takes intentionality and the right circumstances and environment for a healing process.
Most importantly- it takes time.
“The right circumstances” really means: a safe space to explore what could have caused the attachment wound and how it’s showing up in your life.
This safe space for the majority of people will look like meeting with a therapist. Aside from the fact that a therapist is a licensed professional with training- being in an unbiased professional relationship with a therapist is one of the most accurate ways to recreate some of these expectations and experiences that play out in other roles in your life. As it relates to attachment, the therapist’s role is to serve as a stand-in attachment figure while simultaneously responding to the client’s in the moment needs throughout session.
The relationship formed between client and therapist presents the same opportunities as the other relationships the client has in their life. There is room for the therapist to provide validation, encouragement, and overall leave the client with a positive experience- one that would be providing a secure attachment. Of course- the therapy journey isn’t always intended to last forever- meaning, eventually, what happens in therapy, the client eventually learns to master on their own.
Let’s talk about how this applies to attachment theory and walking through healing attachment wounds.
As a child, a healthy attachment figure that generally results in the individual developing a secure attachment style has a healthy amount of accountability and self-compassion. Accountability allows an individual to take responsibility for themselves and their actions- without eliciting unhealthy amounts of shame and self-blame into the dialogue. Self-compassion allows an individual to experience understanding and curiosity for how they may have gotten into a situation or acted. Both of these are crucial when revisiting painful memories or sorting through life stressors in the present.
In turn, how the child internalizes and communicates with themselves involves healthy amounts of accountability and compassion.
When working through this as an adult, we have to modify the variables a part of the equation. In adulthood, there is not an active caregiver in the same way that there is in childhood. This means that the accountability and compassion that is found in a secure attachment figure has to come from within. The refining of this process is commonly done when someone attends therapy. In therapy, the therapist is the attachment figure that is assisting the client in engaging in use of compassion and accountability.
The relationship with a therapist (assuming their job is done correctly), is the beginning of working through the attachment wounds while incorporating accountability and compassion. Over time, the client is able to utilize more accountability and compassion on their own- and the therapeutic process does what it is designed to do: give the client an opportunity to experience a healthy attachment that equips them to move forward. Regardless of the type of insecure attachment, the therapeutic process would essentially look the same for working through attachment wounds.
Not able to attend therapy at this time?
If you are aware of what your attachment style is, there are some things you can do to begin working through your attachment wounds:
Reaching out to friends
Something that may be helpful is working through your attachment fears with the people that are already close to you.
Is there a trusted friend that you can confide in about your experiences?
If you’re anxiously attached- one of the common core beliefs of being anxiously attached is that one is damaged or not enough on their own- and a low self-concept results from this.
An anxiously attached individual would benefit from gaining support from the people around them and instilling their self-confidence.
Focusing on ways they are enough brings self-assurance to an insecurely attached individual’s self-concept.
If you’re avoidantly attached- can you make an attempt to be vulnerable about something- maybe even your own attachment style?
The experience of being vulnerable with a trusted friend may be easier than experiencing vulnerability within a new relationship- there is already an element of trust established there.
Receiving experience from relational connection is not unique to just therapy (although it is a way to get it consistently without bias), there are opportunities in your friendships that already exist to begin to work on your attachment style.
Practicing Affirmations 
Practicing affirmations is a way to begin instilling beliefs about yourself that have been difficult to grasp throughout your life.
Practicing affirmations makes it easier for the neural pathways in the brain to accept and establish new patterns of thinking that become habit.
Affirmations for Insecure Attachment:
I am okay by myself.
I am whole, healthy, and complete as I am.
I do not need someone else to complete me.
I can manage my emotional needs.
Affirmations for Avoidant Attachment:
I will be okay if I am disappointed.
I don’t have to be alone all the time.
I can be safe with other people.
My emotions are not a sign of weakness.
Depending on where you are, you may find that working with a therapist is the best way to address attachment wounding- or you may find yourself doing the work on your own. EIther way- remember that this work takes time, and it can take some significant time to reorient yourself to new behaviors, patterns, and beliefs. Moving into secure attachment may feel like a significant investment of time and effort- and it’s well worth it in the end.
We are here to help our clients move into secure attachment so they can show up in the world as their most authentic forms of themselves. Let us help you start or even continue your healing process.
The Worth, Wisdom and Wellness Center provides Trauma & EMDR therapy, Therapy for Perfectionism and Low Self-esteem, Therapy for Anxiety and Depression, and Faith-Based Therapy to Black women and Women of Color. You don’t have to try to heal from childhood wounds by yourself. We are here to help.
If you are located in the state of Georgia and interested in starting your healing journey, you can follow any of the steps below.
- Contact us to schedule your first appointment and learn more about our services.
- Review our About Us page to learn more about our trauma trained providers.
- Review our FAQs page to learn more about therapy at our center.
We look forward to being a part of your healing journey.